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Corvette Engineers Say Christmas Tree Tied to Roof Provides More Downforce Than Spoiler

In breaking news, Chevrolet has just announced that the Corvette will lose its popular high wing spoiler option, which will be replaced by a Christmas tree lashed to the car’s roof.

Corvette Chief Engineer Gumbo Suggs noticed the aerodynamic improvement after stopping to buy a Christmas tree, which he secured to the rooftop of the C8 he was driving.  “I noticed a big difference immediately!!” he declared so excitedly that he insisted we add an additional exclamation mark after “immediately.“

Aerodynamic testing employing a Lasko 20″ box fan confirmed that the tree provided 10% greater downforce at 35 mph than did the tall spoiler.  The team had planned to perform testing at higher speeds but according to Suggs, “the Lasko began wobbling and smoking, and smelled like a smoldering wet suit.” 

One downside is that owners won’t be able to take their Corvette through a car wash with the tree attached.  Suggs addressed this concern by noting, “You know what, though, most Corvette owners like nothing more than hauling out the pressure washer, a bucket of Krud Kutter and a wire brush and cleaning their car themselves.”  

Man Who Licked Electric Vehicle Charger Finally Regains Consciousness

A 39-year old Midkiff Springs man who licked the end of a Tesla Supercharger cord to see if it was working has finally regained consciousness nearly a year and a half after the incident.  

Doctor Button Wykopf said the unidentified Model 3 owner doesn’t remember much, other than “a big flash of blue light and the intense smell of burning hair.”  

“He’s dizzy and his tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth whenever he says the letter “L”, but otherwise he’s doing pretty well,” said Wykopf.

Asked to comment, Tesla spokesperson Gordo Utz said simply, “Don’t lick the charger.”  

First Look! Alfa Romeo Guilia Pisiciara

Alfa Romeo’s highly acclaimed Guilia sports sedan currently comes in three flavors:  the base model, sporty Ti, and the brilliant 505-horsepower Quadrifoglio.  

You’ll never have to search for a men’s room again

But Alfa knows that if it wants to sell more cars in the U.S., it needs to expand the Guilia range to offer something for everyone — or nearly everyone.

With its new urinal-nosed Guilia Pisiciara, Alfa says it’s targeting the nearly 20% of American men who suffer from frequent urination.

“It’s beautiful,” said Alfa spokesperson Costante Orinare.  “People you don’t even know will stop to pee in it,” he said, apparently believing that was a selling point.  

The Pisiciara should be in dealerships about the time you read this. Or maybe this. Or this part here.  

Santa Goes Green; No More Coal in Christmas Stockings for Naughty Kids

The days of naughty children awakening Christmas morning to nothing but a lump of coal in their stockings is apparently over. After meeting with a panel of climate scientists, Santa Claus yesterday announced that beginning with Christmas 2022, he will replace coal with something more environmentally sustainable:  reusable containers filled with biogas.

For those unaware, biogas is a mildly explosive, renewable gas made from organic waste from composting toilets, fast food restaurants and forest raking. 

The containers that hold the gas are edible and are produced using a mixture of human drool, walnut shells and discarded cigarette butts.

Unlike coal, biogas is not thought to be a contributor to climate change.  However, it still smells rancid enough to shatter any little miscreants who find it in their stockings on Christmas morning.  

Goatee a No-Go for the 2022 Chevy Express

Chevrolet has killed an ill-conceived plan to add a goatee to the front of its aging Chevrolet Express van, the current generation of which debuted all the way back in 2003. 

Sources say the automaker hoped the grill-surrounding goatee would conceal the van’s age and make it appear newer and trendier.  

“It looked stupid,” said automotive reporter Dodo Pink.  “Goatees might make a guy look younger, but it just doesn’t work on an old van.  GM needs to quit trying to save money and go ahead and update  it.” 

Most MKT Passengers Were Dead, Lincoln Now Admits

After several years, Lincoln has finally acknowledged that most of the people who have ridden in the automaker’s MKT crossover were dead at the time.

“It was a very popular car,” obviously uncomfortable Lincoln spokesman Doodles Peeler said of the MKT, which was discontinued in 2019.  “I mean, it was pretty roomy and the ride was smooth.”  

After reporters kept pressing Peeler on the ratio of living, breathing MKT passengers to those who were not, he angrily acknowledged, “Ok, it’s true that most of the passengers were on their, um, last ride. Is that what you wanted to hear?!”  He then headed toward the exit, shouting, “Hey, they used them for limos, too, you know,” before stomping out and slamming the door behind him.

Ford Escape Owners Complain About Problems With Foot-Activated Liftgate

“I used to love my car’s automatic liftgate,” said Luvis Pucker, the owner of a 2016 Ford Escape. “If my hands were full, I could just wave my foot underneath the bumper and it would automatically open. But not anymore.”

ARRIVEDERCI FIATA; HELLO FROGGY!

Recently, my neighbor Alexander’s pacemaker began broadcasting Amazon notifications which, according to him, it is not supposed to do.  This  resulted in him having to have the device re-flashed.  I rode along with Alex in his 2019 Fiat 124 Spider to the re-flash appointment. 

The 124 Spider is often referred to as a “Fiata” because, as you know, it’s basically a Mazda Miata all gussied up in tidy Fiat roadster attire.  Remember when Carrot Top reportedly underwent cosmetic surgery and if you squinted just right you could tell it was him, but, boy, did he look different?  It’s like that.

Sadly (I guess), the Spider was squashed after the 2020 model year.  It’s a bit harsh to say sales of the two-seater sucked, but your chances of actually seeing one on the road are on par with spotting Sasquatch at Jimmy John’s.

The Fiata’s bellyflop, however, isn’t deterring one small British start-up from building its own Miata-based sports car.  The firm, Carbuncle Motors, will utilize the Mazda’s platform to build a modern version of the Austin-Healy “Bugeye” Sprite.  

So far, the fine folks at Carbuncle have built only a single concept car, which the company refers to as the AH2.  They tell us “AH” pays homage to Austin-Healy, but we found ourselves saying “gesundheit” each time someone mentioned the AH2 . 

The manufacturer is tightlipped regarding powertrain, price, or if and when the AH2 will even hit our shores. We hope it does, as we liked the Sprite and have a fondness for frogs.    

As we headed home following the re-flash procedure, I inquired, “Alex, would you consider trading your Fiata for an AH2?”  Before he could answer, a  pleasing female voice from his side of the car interjected, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding right now.  Please try again later.”   

I Couldn’t Figure Out Why New BMWs Have Such Large Grills

. Then I Saw This Picture of the Designer.